back to school again~

well, school is school and that's the only word to describe school and everybody will give a sigh, with a smile or with a frown. finished my 11 years of schooling and maybe i need 2 years more. relaxing and chilling being lazy at home for almost 5 months are the greatest thing in my whole life, but i miss school badly and my friends and the moments for sure.

it's not true that people getting lazy to go back and be in school again after a long rest. maybe because i'm heartless but it seems like it's nothing different. to me, you just need to repeat the same boring stuff you've done for 11 years for another 2 years. so, it's nothing different and it's nothing actually.

for real, i don't like being in that school. it's not like i wanna condemn that school. i mean, i'm used being at my old school and new environment doesn't put even a little smile on my face. and, it's full of not-so-good-girls and don't take me wrong. not all of them but most of them, some of them a real nice and give new students a warm treat.

to be frank, form 6 isn't my first or even last choice. i really know that i can go for degree next but what i'm gonna face is harder than spm that i've screwed and i'm not gonna repeat the same mistakes again. all the subjects are really tough and need to study like real hard and real geek and i don't think i can, for real. i can't even stand to study simple things and look at my result! what a shame!

*please hear my wish and i wish it might be granted

lord,
i'm praying for you to save me from all this nonsense,
save me from all this shit and all this madness,
open their heart to gimme a second chance,
for me to fix my path for the right track.

a big thanks~

apologies for my lousy command in english. i know that i don't speak fluently and i sound funny. but bad command in english? i sound bad? that's a harsh word you got there. i'm maybe a malay but i'm not as ill mannered as you are. i'm maybe a malay but i'm not racist as you are. and i'm maybe a malay but i don't speak english with malay tone.

i don't know why you're the one that interviewed me? i'm not degrading or looking down on you but, you yourself only speak with broken english, manglish. at least i speak with some accent as i don't know how to sound like you. sorry if you felt insulted, that's not my business by the way. i don't care if you're an english lecturer but you don't sound like one.

okay, i admit that my grammar is way too disaster but still, what do you expect? perfect grammar with perfect communication skills to be there for you? well, you're not the best place in this country anyway so don't expect too high. i bet you, yourself aren't that superb in english. you too are like the other, used to have mistakes in grammar and you sound more stupid than i am, even though now that you're a lecturer.

don't ever tell anyone that they are bad in something and don't ask people to rate themselves. that's your job, what are you being paid for? for god sake, can't you tell the different between 'through' and 'true'? ohmigosh, ask me what 'through' is? and i have to spell it for you, if i'm not, you not gonna understand it.

treat people the way you wanna be treated. please, you are a MALAY! malay are super famous for their manners and courtesy. please don't make people to hate malay more and don't make malays to hate their own race. there's no use to be educated if that's what you call, certificate i mean; diploma, degree, master, doctorate. what for if you don't sound like one, when you speak you sound like a cleaner that don't ever go to school.

may god be with you. i may not eligible for it but still i have my own pride. don't make others feel bad about themselves and never underestimate people. doesn't anyone taught you that? people maybe respect you but do they really respect you? think again. think.

it'll never be~

'sometimes i wish i could live in books, where people mean what they say and happy endings exist', it plays in my mind like zillion times and i really wish it. everybody does want it badly, like really badly. but, living in book or fairy tales with this word, 'they live happily ever after' in it to me seems like living with fast forward button being pushed.

it's true! in a second they're in love, in a minute they are kissing, in a day they're madly in love, in a week they're married and in a year they're a family with kids. it seems fun to have a life without problems or barely had problems in it and live in happy endings, but it's not fun when you think about it again.

problems really colour our life, hard times really burden us but it gives satisfaction when the hard times bring us the good time of it. and life doesn't mean a thing when everything are so perfect and your ending is super fast.

life in fairy tales or book are really short than you can imagine. you can finished it like in a minute, a day, a week or at least a month. but yours aren't one of it. you can never finished telling your life story at anybody because it consist your life time in it.

*okay, i don't know why did i say this but i've watch happy endings like hundreds of it today.

i wanna change~

yes, i admit that i do really wanna be thin as a rail badly for the whole of my life. but, after i get my madness of buying dresses, i wanna change my size. i really do!

lots of the dress i wanna buy and branded clothes do have S size for the smallest. and i can only bought stuff from mng, zara and topshop for my size. not that i'm craze for them but they got smallest size, i tell ya.

i wanna change form XXS to S, from 4 to 8. lotsa mng dresses that i fell in love for the first sight only have 3 sizes, S, M and L. yeah, it seems a lot of work i gotta do to make it happen but i have to work it out.

oh, i just wanna make my size change without affecting my face curves. i do really wanna be S but i don't want my face to become plump-ier. and i wish i could happen even though i knew it's just a dream that will never happen.

get a life~

stop that fucking annoying stuff and quit from being such an arse. for god sake! can't you tell that imma malay by my name?

okay, my face features may confuse you but my name with dad's name, for sure imma malay. i have malay name as well as my dad. even though 'if' my mum is a chinese, i'm still malay as kids follow their dad's race. i have malay name and i don't have any chinese surname in it.

i don't blaming people for mistaking my race and i will answer their questions gladly. but for those who making that question as pick-up line, you better get your arse outta my life. it's such a lame lines ever and please behave like a gentleman even if you're not.

i'm not the kind that will be easily flattered with such comments and tales. i'm sick of hearing it, find a cheap girl for you to use those stupid lines. they may have the time to hear your lame, pathetic, stupid lines and easily melt with it.

i don't have extra time to be wasted for. i don't have time to even have a talk with you. just find a door and get yourself out. don't waste mine and yours, go get a real life.

it's annoying~

swearing and cursing is part of me, i could't tear it apart. for heaven sake, you've been given the chance to go that fucking interview that i wasn't chosen. i really want that tesl foundation badly but guess what? i didn't get it. I DIDN'T GET THAT FUCKING INTERVIEW!

well, maybe i'm too stupid for it but that doesn't matter in this case. we are now talking bout the one that are lucky enough to be chosen for the interview. please do care but that interview, don't say that you don't really want it. please do care about your behaviour, don't behave like you aren't one of the human kind. please do care about your appearance, don't go there like you have to.

for god sake, i do admit that i'm super aggrieved that i didn't get the interview. but, i am super duper frustrated when they chose people like you that just pick english for your last resort instead of me that really passionate about it.

i expect that everyone is the most best person that really deserve the chance, but what i saw is frustrating. making fun of english, talking shit stuff bout it, pretending to know the meaning of it. i just can sit among them and read novel while waiting for yukiko. i'm really pissed off when they really don't expect they would be called for the interview as tesl is their last option.

i can just swearing and cursing like hell but that not gonna change any of my destiny. i just can watch the fools have the chance and i just trailing my own path. the one that really drawn for me. god knows the best for sure.

it's tiring~

working it out form 3 pm to 4 am is totally wearying me out. gotta work hard for it, gotta grab the chance and never let it away. it's only three questions but it takes the whole day of mine and have to work it out next week. have to reread and maybe filter some of it or add some more. it's really get the hell outta me. pray to god really hard that i'll be picked up for that, wishing for my interview on April 28,2001 gonna be okay and fun. and i hope that i'm prepared for it; my self-confidence and all the certificates. work hard and pray hard.

tomorrow's the day that i'll have an adventure with my best friend, yukiko. well, not really a real adventure, just accompany her for her interview; just to give morale support. hoping that her interview for tesl foundation on April 16,2011 will be going smoothly and too my another best friend too, anna. GOOD LUCK YOU GUYS!~

hoping that gonna have best time with yukiko for we rarely spend time with each other lately. both of us are too busy with our own work and life. guess, school life really have goodness outta boring days of it. really miss my schooldays, hanging around yukiko's class, sleep all day long, skip physics and biology classes, walk around the school, having great time in bm period and really miss my english language subjects. awwh, you'll only know how great schooling is after you've finished it.

i'll try~

i'll gather up all my fortitude in myself and i'll fight all this feelings away. i will forget you, i'll try. even though it's hard for me to do so but you leave me with no choice. forgive me for being an ass but it's for good. i'll erase you away from my memory and my heart. i'm not gonna pretend that we never know each other but i will really be like an amnesia person and really never knew you.

i'll never hope again to bump with you or even to see your face again. i wish that you'll never be in my dreams nor nightmares again. i wish for a change, for my life; my love life. waiting for you is like waiting for a shooting star to fall. and you've never change, i thought you'll change but my expectations are too high. guess i'm just wasting my time for dreams that once i held too tight and dearly, wishing that it'll hatch to be real.

leave me and forget me, do whatever you want as long as you stay away from my life and never ever come back again. you'll just bring the good old days to be painful memories in my life. just go and never even think about coming back. go and fly your way to the sky and find a new life, a better one without me but with her inside. never try to remember all our memories even once, it's all just a mistake that i don't plan. i'm sorry~

what a day~

'i fall, i cry and i'll get up', that words always lingering in my mind. grieving for our failure and rise again as a new man, heart filled with experience of life and mind filled with words of wisdom. again, i failed and i rise up from my downfall. it never fade my spirit to live up again, to feel the freedom of being alone. the feel of being free like a bird soaring high up in the spacious blue sky without any boundary; unlike a coin-operated toy that caged in a framework.

i'm tired of living in a fantasy, a dream world that i'll never achieve. it's not a crime to dream and dreams are free therapy. but dreams are slippery thing, dreams are like stars, dreams are like grabbing shadows, dreams are like living in space without any help of oxygen. i used to dream a lot, no kidding. but as i started to become more mature in life, i realise that dreams just obscuring us with its happily-ever-after ending.

the naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie; lies are part of life where people use to cover up their mistakes or guilt. lies are easy to utter but it's hard to maintain. 'once you enter the world of lies, you can never turn back', that kind of words normally i'll heard from the elders. lies will make us live in denial of what we do and even what we think. but, the person who believe in lies is much more tormented than the liar. the man believed in it and trust it, but if he knew that it's all just a lie, you can imagine how frustrated and disappointed he is.


*sorry for the damn weird post.
just type it without thinking.

at last~

call me thick-skulled, call me wooden-headed, call me mutton-headed, call me lame-brained. i don't care ',cause it's true and i am all stated above. i've failed in my life, yeah, i'm the one who's causing it and i cant regretting it now. serves me right is the best thing is to say and it feels like a full pie slapped on my face, BULL'S-EYE!

feeling down today as two of my best friends, anna and yukiko got the interview for tesl foundation at local university and i don't. feeling like a loser, feeling like a bump as i watched them got it and just observing the fun. yeah, kinda feeling like i've gave up on life and feeling like a total jerk and loser. mourning my day by cursing like hell, yeah i do curse a lot. everything seems wrong and nothing even right. i don't even smile and don't even laugh on jokes, and have a pretty scary expression on my face.

by night, my already-spoiled mood being spoil by the late server of knowing the result for Teacher Education Institutes (KPLSPM). waiting for the damn internet like hell and server always error and it makes me more angry and fed up. luckily my dear friend, anna is willing to help, she checked it for me and guess what?!

I GOT IT!! yeah, I G.O.T I.T!!! i'm feeling like wanna scream out loud for the whole world to know. thank you my lord, i'm thanking you for giving me chance to fix my messy life. the interview is on April 28,2011 and i'm hoping that i will get it. the journey is much more easier there, and i'll surely get a job after. oh, how can i thank you for answering my prayer *okay, a bit too over there. but, thank you my lord.

now i can sleep with a smile on my face finally, FINALLY! for both of my lucky friends, they too do get that KPLSPM like me but a day differ for the interview. and this weekend, i'll be there for my very best friend of all for her tels foundation interview in UiTM JB. will be there on sat, the day of other bestfriend's interview and be back home on sun, her interview day. really hope they'll get it and i pray for the best of them both.

you're my first~

i've said forever and always and it will always be. i can't put it off my mind. thinking about you all the time, night and day. without failing to recall every second we spent talking on the phone or chatting all night long. telling how we miss each other so much and wishing we could spent a day together without any stonewalling. we lived in our little imaginary world, the one that no one and nothing could tear us apart. it's all started on September 25,2010 and you're the only one that i saw that day, the only one that's in my view all day long. you asked me to be yours on the next two days; oh, how easily i melt to your charm is a miracle. i'm the kind that's not easily in love nor trust people.

we met on October 4,2010 and that's the official date for us to be together and i felt like i'm at the top of the world and i just wanna scream it out aloud. we barely had a fight or can i say, never as an option; we lived in a fantasy of sweet dreams that never ends. we went for a night out or actually a dinner gathering on January 1,2011 and we spent the night together. thats the day when you put your arm around me for the first time and we enjoyed our night. i gave you a special custom-made guitar pick necklace that costs me a fortune and it's written our name on it for valentine's day but it's worth it, for the one that i love and adore.

our days rolled by in a blink of an eye and one day you told me you wanna call it a day for you've tired of our relationship. on that very 23rd of February at 2.20 am, you gave me 10 reasons why we should break up and said it's for our own good. i felt like falling to pieces when you said that, but i respect your decision. "i love you and i always will", that's the word that i always say to you to make you believe that i really love you. in a minute,you change your status to 'in a relationship' with a new girl. oh, how sad and disappointed i feel that night. i don't mind if you don't love me, just tell me and i'll accept it calmly. and my heart crushed to dust when i saw that you've been with that girl since February 12,2011. that's two days before valentine's day and you can even smile to me like an innocent child when i gave you that necklace.

but, you and that girl doesn't last long, just for a month, i guess it serves you right and legend got it right, what comes around goes around. i wish day and night for you to pick me again, yeah, poor me, sounds pathetic right? but, after what you've done to me, i still love you and i can never forget you and believe me, i've tried tonnes of times. days passed by and suddenly you got a new girl that really loves you and you love her so much too. i'm happy for you and even encourage you to go for it, helped you to fix your relationship and everything that i can to help you. yeah, maybe i still have feelings for you and love to see you happy. i just want you to know that i still love you and i always will. you're my first and i hope that you'll be my last. and i want you to know that i'll always be here, waiting for you to come back one day. and, i got the guts to say it tonight. i can't say it and i hope that you'll read it.